Tantrums and challenging childhood behaviours are a normal part of development and some children seem to be more prone to them than others. As parents, we can often feel flummoxed as to how to support our children through these emotional moments, as well as worrying about what other people might be thinking of our parenting skills at the time.
We caught up with Camilla McGill, founder of My Parenting Solutions and mum to four grown-up children.
Camilla has been working with parents for 20 years and offers some insight below into why traditional methods such as ‘Time-Out’ and the ‘Naughty Step’ might not be right for your child.
Over to Camilla…
Is ‘time-out’ any better than the ‘naughty step’?
I am against the naughty step for a number of reasons:
- Firstly, it gives the child the label ‘naughty’ and kids will then live up to a negative label. Even if you describe it as ‘naughty behaviour’, what they hear is ‘I’m a naughty girl/boy’ which you do not want them to feel about themselves.
- The vast majority of kids will not actually stay on the step when you leave them there, so then you have an extra problem. Not only are you trying to make them repent about what they’ve done but you will have to try and force them to stay on the step as well.
- When children misbehave it is driven by an emotion – often one which you may not understand in that moment – and it can be so dumbfounding. Why do they seem, often out of the blue, to do the exact opposite to what they have been asked to do? Just know that emotion will be there, so if you don’t address the emotion behind the behaviour in some way, you miss the opportunity to help your child.
- A child who feels heard and understood is much more likely to reflect on what they have done and say sorry or make amends.
So, time-Out, anything wrong with that?
I think you need to use time-out carefully. If it is done in anger or in order to punish or shame your child, it is dangerous. You ignore what was driving the behaviour in the first place and if you punish you may never find out the root cause. A child who has been punished thinks they are bad, they resent the punishment and don’t want to accept responsibility or say sorry. If you use time-out as punishment it gives the child the message that there is something wrong with them when in actual fact, there is nothing wrong with them at all! It is our job to help our children learn how to regulate their emotions and express their needs verbally rather than through behaviour.
Having said that, time-out can be used effectively when you go with your child in order to help them calm down. You can sit with them, help them to breathe, give them a hug. I know this can be really difficult if they are continuing to be challenging but if you can stay calm yourself and help them through it, it will pay off. Being in a different place with you helps them to calm down much quicker, and then they are better able to realise what they have done wrong.
In a nutshell…
Next time your child misbehaves, try thinking about what might be driving the behaviour rather than jumping to criticism or over-reacting and doing or saying something you might regret. This isn’t always possible as we are only human but it is worth a try.
Join Camilla’s FREE webinar
The 3 Secrets to Managing Tantrums and Challenging Behaviour (without shouting, giving in or losing your mind) webinar is running on Thursday 24th and Monday 28th June at 8pm. Visit the website to find out more.
