What not to say to a new parent

During pregnancy

Horror stories

• “You’re not sleeping? Just you wait until baby arrives!” While it might be true that newborn babies aren’t the best sleepers, this comment isn’t particularly welcome when you’re heavily pregnant and even rolling over in bed presents itself as a challenge!  Jen, Basking Babies Laindon & Orsett
• “Let me tell you my birth story…”, then proceeds to tell (horrific) birth story without checking whether you’d actually like to hear it. This actually happened to me days before I had my first baby, in a restaurant, while eating my dinner, by a complete stranger! The only welcome stories are positive ones when your own baby’s birth is imminent. Jess, Franchisee Support & Training Manager
• On my last day at work before maternity leave, one of my colleagues told me a story about how awful his wife’s C-section was… for HIM… as he saw everything happen behind the curtain. NOT helpful at all. Natalie, Basking Babies Brentwood & Billericay   

Unwarranted advice

• I wish hadn’t shared some of our baby name ideas. So many people thought they had a right to an opinion as to what we liked. Alex, Basking Babies Southend-on-Sea
• I find it extremely irritating when friends/family give unprompted advice on what I should be doing to make life easier when I’m simply having a moan. Chantelle, Basking Babies Huntingdon

Bump size

• “Are you sure there’s only one in there?” There is no need to comment on the size of anyone’s body, let alone during pregnancy! Alex, Basking Babies Southend-on-Sea
• “Oh my goodness Nat… you’re huge!!” I was 20 weeks pregnant and was feeling quite good before that comment actually! Natalie, Basking Babies Brentwood & Billericay

Once baby arrives

Odd questions

• “Is he/she a good baby?” What does this question actually mean? Jess, Franchisee Support & Training Manager
• “Is she sleeping through the night yet?” It is highly unlikely (and can be unsafe) that a newborn baby will be sleeping through the night but this comment just makes parents feel anxious, like their baby is broken while everyone else’s sleeps. Jen, Basking Babies Laindon & Orsett

Fearmongering

• “Just you wait until she’s a toddler… this is the easy part.” This is another one of those ‘just you wait’ statements which aren’t helpful. Every stage presents its own challenges and some might be harder than others for different people. Recognising and supporting parents at every stage is important. Jen, Basking Babies Laindon & Orsett 

Sleep

• Baby isn’t sleeping through the night – “why don’t you try a Farley’s rusk in his bottle before bed?” Then proceeds to say, “it’s ok, we used to do it” when you explain this is considered a choking hazard. Natalie, Basking Babies Brentwood & Billericay
• “Sleep when they sleep.” Okay, I’ll just hand them over and you try that one. A mum has no time to herself and is constantly thinking for several people at the same time. When baby sleeps, all you might want to do is sit on the sofa and catch up on trash TV while your drink is still warm! Chantelle, Basking Babies Huntingdon
• “You need to do some sleep training with your baby. You shouldn’t let them sleep on you and you shouldn’t feed him to sleep. He will never sleep when he is with the childminder if you do that.” He’s my child and we are both happy with our routine, thanks. Natalie, Basking Babies Brentwood & Billericay

Feeding and weaning

• “Why don’t you try bottle feeding?” when I’m desperately wanting to breastfeed. Any sort of unsolicited advice is not helpful. Alex, Basking Babies Southend-on-Sea
• “I think he is ready for food… can he try a bit of this?” – at 16 weeks! There is no medical reason why early weaning would be recommended. Natalie, Basking Babies Brentwood & Billericay
• “I wish I could help you feed him. It’s a shame you’re breastfeeding as I could have given him a bottle to give you a rest.” If I wanted help feeding my baby then I’d ask for help. I didn’t ask but if you’d asked me if I needed help with anything I might have asked you to change a nappy or pop the kettle on instead. Natalie, Basking Babies Colchester

‘Helpful’ advice

• “Here let me help, I’ll hold the baby so you can go tidy up.” How about you tidy up (or ignore my messy house), while I hold my new baby? Jess, Franchisee Support & Training Manager 
• Me: low on food desperate to go shopping but finding it difficult with the boys in tow. Family member/friend: “Why haven’t you done an online shop, you really should get online?” I don’t have time between the screaming, nappy changing, feeding and surviving to sit at a computer and get an online shop done without missing lots of important items! Chantelle, Basking Babies Huntingdon
• Me: “I’m so tired I was up feeding all night”. Family member/friend: “Why don’t you try a bottle? It fills them up and settles them better.” What I want to say: because I made the choice to breastfeed, don’t always have the time in the day needed to pump, and there’s no evidence to support that comment! Sometimes you just need to vent and have someone say “it’s tough, I understand” and just listen. Chantelle, Basking Babies Huntingdon
• Family member/ friend/ stranger: makes comments/suggestions about how I am caring for my child, then ends the comment with, “but he’s your baby so do what you want.” Thanks I will. You do you and I’ll do me/us. Natalie, Basking Babies Colchester

While a lot of comments come from a good place and with no malicious intent, becoming a parent for the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 10th time comes with challenges and it can be so disheartening when people offer advice that you haven’t asked for. Perhaps instead, ask mum or dad if there’s anything you can do to help. A home-cooked meal, hug, or help with the chores goes a long way!